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无注释原文：

Relationship advice: Why am I dating the wrong people?

USA Today

Many are familiar with the popular movie trope where a girl’s best friend is a kind, loving guy, but she doesn’t notice him and instead keeps going for the “bad boys” who repeatedly break her heart. Until, one day, she sees that the guy she was meant to be with was right in front of her all along.

So, how realistic is this scenario? Depends on which part. Chances of one of your friends being your soul mate might not be as high as the possibility of you continuing to date the wrong people if you don't make some changes.

It’s not uncommon to meet a perfectly lovely person who is kind, funny, works hard and has compatible goals, and not like them. Maybe they were not a good fit, but maybe there is something else going on. If you find yourself repeating the pattern of dating people who are not “good” for you, consider this:

What was your upbringing like? I know it can be frustrating to trace things back to our childhood but the lessons we learned about love early on may be still guiding our romantic relationships. Did your parents teach you – by words or actions – that love is painful, scary, and something we need to earn? It can be helpful for us to think about the beliefs we hold since, chances are, they dictate what we seek. The familiar is often what we consider safe, and this is why many of us avoid the unknown (even if it's a healthier option).

Do you want to succeed? You may have a knee-jerk reaction to say yes, but are you playing it safe? Some of us date people who we don't see a future with because we don't want to get hurt. Maybe we don’t want to invest too much and the only people who will accept this lack of effort are people who are not “good” for us or people who offer the same amount of effort in return. Some of us don’t feel ready to succeed (or don't feel like we can), so we choose people that reflect that belief.

What do you believe you deserve? Do you deserve someone who respects your options and boundaries, embraces your authenticity, laughs at your silly jokes, and apologizes when they are wrong? Or, does the picture of what you deserve look more like this: they give you only enough to keep me going, they place the responsibility solely on you, or they make you feel insecure and uncertain about where you stand in the relationship? Think about what you believe you deserve (because that is what you will settle for). If you’ve been in a relationship where someone told you that you didn’t deserve much, they are wrong!

What role do you want in a relationship? Maybe you don’t feel like dating people who are good for you because you don’t feel like they need you. Sometimes when we don't feel "useful" we can start to feel insecure. Being in a relationship where we are needed gives us a sense of security that they won't leave us, this mindset is often driven by our fear of rejection or abandonment.

Are you dating people for their potential? Some of us are likely to date people for their potential. We see how “great” they can become and the possibility of getting them to that point seems like a thrilling challenge. Again, there is nothing wrong with seeing each other’s potential, but we can’t base our entire relationship on it. Ask yourself: if they didn’t change, would you be happy?

So, what can help us choose people who are “good” for us?

· Examine your dating pattern and relationship beliefs.

· Write a list of red flags or deal breakers before going on a date.

· Get your friends or mentors involved – ask for their guidance.

- ◆ -

注：中文文本为机器翻译仅供参考，并非一一对应

含注释全文：

Relationship advice: Why am I dating the wrong people?

USA Today

Many are familiar with the popular movie trope where a girl’s best friend is a kind, loving guy, but she doesn’t notice him and instead keeps going for the “bad boys” who repeatedly break her heart. Until, one day, she sees that the guy she was meant to be with was right in front of her all along.

许多人都熟悉这样一个流行的电影情节：一个女孩最好的朋友是一个善良钟情的男孩，但她没有注意到他，而是不断追求那些一再伤她心的“坏男孩”。直到有一天，她发现她注定要在一起的那个男人一直就在她面前。

trope /trəʊp/ 1）表示“（某位艺术家作品中，或某一类艺术作品中常用的）理念，说法，形象”，英文解释为“something such as an idea, phrase, or image that is often used in a particular artist's work, in a particular type of art, etc.”举个🌰：

Human-like robots are a classic trope of science fiction.

像人一样的机器人是科幻小说中的典型形象。

2）表示“转义词语；比喻词语”，英文解释为“a word or phrase that is used in a way that is different from its usual meaning in order to create a particular mental image or effect. Metaphors and similes are tropes”

So, how realistic is this scenario? Depends on which part. Chances of one of your friends being your soul mate might not be as high as the possibility of you continuing to date the wrong people if you don't make some changes.

那么，这种情况有多真实呢？取决于哪一部分。如果你不做出一些改变，你的一个朋友成为你灵魂伴侣的可能性可能不如你不断和错误的人约会的可能性高。

表示“知音，知己；心心相印的伴侣”，英文解释为“someone, usually your romantic or sexual partner, who you have a special relationship with, and who you know and love very much”举个🌰：

Later that year she met him and she knew instantly that they were soulmates.

那一年末，她遇到了他，立刻感到他们就是知音。

It’s not uncommon to meet a perfectly lovely person who is kind, funny, works hard and has compatible goals, and not like them. Maybe they were not a good fit, but maybe there is something else going on. If you find yourself repeating the pattern of dating people who are not “good” for you, consider this:

遇到一个极好的人，善良、有趣、努力工作、目标一致，而不喜欢他们的情况并不少见。也许他们不合适，但也许还有原因。如果你发现自己不断和不“适合”你的人恋爱，考虑一下：

compatible /kəmˈpætəbəl/ 表示“可共存的；协调的；兼容的”，英文解释为“able to exist, live together, or work successfully with something or someone else”举个🌰：

It was when we started living together that we found we just weren't compatible.

等到开始生活在一起时，才发现我们根本合不来。

1）表示“方式，形式；模式”，英文解释为“a particular way in which something is done, is organized, or happens”举个🌰：

The pattern of family life has been changing over recent years.

近年来家庭生活的模式一直在变化。

2）表示“图案，花样”，英文解释为“any regularly repeated arrangement, especially a design made from repeated lines, shapes, or colours on a surface”举个🌰：

Look, the frost has made a beautiful pattern on the window.

看啊，霜在窗户上形成了美丽的图案。

What was your upbringing like? I know it can be frustrating to trace things back to our childhood but the lessons we learned about love early on may be still guiding our romantic relationships. Did your parents teach you – by words or actions – that love is painful, scary, and something we need to earn? It can be helpful for us to think about the beliefs we hold since, chances are, they dictate what we seek. The familiar is often what we consider safe, and this is why many of us avoid the unknown (even if it's a healthier option).

你的成长经历是怎样的？我知道把事情追溯到童年可能会令人沮丧，但我们早期学到的关于爱的教训可能仍在指导着我们的恋爱关系。你的父母是否通过语言或行动教导过你，爱情是痛苦的、可怕的，是需要我们去争取的？思考我们所持有的信念可能会对我们有所帮助，因为很可能它们决定了我们寻求什么。熟悉的东西往往是我们认为安全的东西，这就是为什么我们中的许多人避免未知的东西（即使这是一个更健康的选择）。

表示“抚养，养育；教育，教养”，英文解释为“the way in which you are treated and educated when young, especially by your parents, especially in relation to the effect that this has on how you behave and make moral decisions”举个🌰：

Is it right to say all the crimes he committed were simply the result of his upbringing?

把他犯下的所有罪行都归罪于他所受到的教育，这样说对吗？

frustrating /frʌsˈtreɪ.tɪŋ/ 表示“令人灰心的；使人气馁的”，英文解释为“making you feel annoyed or less confident because you cannot achieve what you want”举个🌰：

He doesn't listen to what I say and it's so frustrating.

他根本不听我在说什么，这真让人泄气。

表示“（根据事物的发展方式）查明…的起因（或源头），追溯”，英文解释为“to discover the causes or origins of something by examining the way in which it has developed”举个🌰：

The practice of giving eggs at Easter can be traced back to (= first happened in) festivals in ancient China.

复活节送彩蛋的习俗可追溯至中国古代的节庆活动。

表示“影响；决定；要求”，英文解释为“to influence something or make it necessary”举个🌰：I wanted to take a year off, but my financial situation dictated that I got a job.

我想休息一年，但我的经济状况却迫使我必须工作。

Do you want to succeed? You may have a knee-jerk reaction to say yes, but are you playing it safe? Some of us date people who we don't see a future with because we don't want to get hurt. Maybe we don’t want to invest too much and the only people who will accept this lack of effort are people who are not “good” for us or people who offer the same amount of effort in return. Some of us don’t feel ready to succeed (or don't feel like we can), so we choose people that reflect that belief.

你想成功吗？你可能会下意识地说想，但你会谨慎行事吗？我们中的一些人和看不到未来的人谈恋爱，因为我们不想受伤。也许我们不想投入太多，唯一会接受这种缺乏努力的人是对我们不“适合”的人，或者付出同样努力作为回报的人。我们中的一些人觉得还没有准备好（或者觉得我们不能），所以我们选择表达出这种信念的人。

表示“本能地做出的；未经思考做出的”，英文解释为“produced automatically, without any serious thought ”举个🌰：

It was a knee-jerk reaction on her part.

这是她未加思索做出的反应。

表示“谨慎行事，不冒险”，英文解释为“to be careful and not take risks”举个🌰：

To play safe, I'd allow an extra ten minutes, just in case.

谨慎起见，我会再多留出10分钟，以防万一。

1）表示“显示；反映；表达”，英文解释为“to show, express, or be a sign of something”举个🌰：

The statistics reflect a change in people's spending habits.

这些统计数据显示出人们的消费习惯发生了变化。

1）表示“反射（光、热、声等）；反映，映出（影像）”，英文解释为“If a surface reflects light, heat, sound, or an image, it sends the light, etc. back and does not absorb it.”举个🌰：

He saw himself reflected in the water/mirror/shop window.

他在水中/镜子里/商店橱窗玻璃上看到了自己的影像。

What do you believe you deserve? Do you deserve someone who respects your options and boundaries, embraces your authenticity, laughs at your silly jokes, and apologizes when they are wrong? Or, does the picture of what you deserve look more like this: they give you only enough to keep me going, they place the responsibility solely on you, or they make you feel insecure and uncertain about where you stand in the relationship? Think about what you believe you deserve (because that is what you will settle for). If you’ve been in a relationship where someone told you that you didn’t deserve much, they are wrong!

你认为你应该得到什么？你是否值得拥有一个尊重你的选择和界限，欣然接受你的真实，因你滑稽的笑话傻笑，并在他们做错时道歉的人？或者，你应该应该拥有的看起来更像这样：他们给你的只够让我维持下去，他们把责任完全放在你身上，或者他们让你感到没有安全感，不知道你在这段关系中的位置？想想你认为你应该得到什么（因为那是你会满足的）。如果你在一段关系中，有人告诉你，你不值得拥有什么，那他们就错了！

1）表示“欣然接受；乐意采纳”，英文解释为“to accept something enthusiastically”举个🌰：

This was an opportunity that he would embrace.

这样的机会他是求之不得的。

2）表示“抱，拥抱”，英文解释为“to hold someone tightly with both arms to express love, liking, or sympathy, or when greeting or leaving someone”举个🌰：

She saw them embrace on the station platform.

她看到他们在站台上拥抱。

authenticity /ˌɔː.θenˈtɪs.ə.ti/ 表示“确实性；真实性；可靠性”，英文解释为“the quality of being genuine or true.”举个🌰：

The authenticity of her story is beyond doubt.

她讲述的事情的真实性不容置疑。

表示“无奈接受；勉强同意”，英文解释为“to accept or agree to something, or to decide to have something, although it is not exactly what you want or it is not the best”举个🌰：

He wants a full refund and he won't settle for anything less.

他想全额退款，少一分也不行。

What role do you want in a relationship? Maybe you don’t feel like dating people who are good for you because you don’t feel like they need you. Sometimes when we don't feel "useful" we can start to feel insecure. Being in a relationship where we are needed gives us a sense of security that they won't leave us, this mindset is often driven by our fear of rejection or abandonment.

你想在一段关系中扮演什么角色？也许你不想和对你有好处的人约会，因为你觉得他们不需要你。有时候，当我们觉得自己没有“用处”时，我们会开始感到不安全。处于一段被需要的关系中会给我们一种他们不会离开我们的安全感，这种心态通常是由我们害怕被拒绝或抛弃所驱动的。

表示“思想倾向；思维方式；观念模式”，英文解释为“a person's way of thinking and their opinions”如：to have a different/the same mindset 有不同/相同的思维方式。

Are you dating people for their potential? Some of us are likely to date people for their potential. We see how “great” they can become and the possibility of getting them to that point seems like a thrilling challenge. Again, there is nothing wrong with seeing each other’s potential, but we can’t base our entire relationship on it. Ask yourself: if they didn’t change, would you be happy?

你和别人谈恋爱是因为他们的潜力吗？我们中的一些人会和他们恋爱可能是因为他们的潜力。我们看到他们能变得多么“伟大”，让他们达到这一点的可能性似乎是一个激动人心的挑战。同样，看到彼此的潜力没有错，但是我们不能把我们的整个关系建立在这个基础上。问问你自己：如果他们没有改变，你会开心吗？

thrilling /ˈθrɪl.ɪŋ/ 表示“令人激动的；惊险的；紧张的”，英文解释为“extremely exciting”举个🌰：

The book is a thrilling adventure story.

这是一部情节紧张的冒险小说。

So, what can help us choose people who are “good” for us?

那么，什么能帮助我们选择“适合”我们的人呢？

· Examine your dating pattern and relationship beliefs.

· 审视你的约会模式和恋爱观念。

· Write a list of red flags or deal breakers before going on a date.

· 在约会前写一份危险信号或决定性因素的清单。

表示“危险信号；用作危险信号的）示警红旗”，英文解释为“If you refer to something as a red flag, you mean that it acts as a danger signal.”

表示“（使人下定决心不做某事或不买某物的）决定性因素；不能通融的条件；影响大局的事情”，英文解释为“something that is important enough to you to prevent you from agreeing to something, buying something, etc.”举个🌰：

The bathroom is downstairs, but weighed against all the other great features, perhaps that isn't a dealbreaker.

浴室在楼下，但是跟其他所有的优点相比，也许不会成为让买卖不能成交的决定性因素。

· Get your friends or mentors involved – ask for their guidance.

· 让你的朋友或导师参与进来——寻求他们的指导。

- 今日盘点 -

trope

soulmate

compatible

pattern

upbringing

frustrating

trace

dictate

knee-jerk

play (it) safe

reflect

embrace

authenticity

settle for sth

mindset

thrilling

red flag

dealbreaker

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