“婉拒了哈”

昨天，#婉拒了哈#话题登上微博热搜。

《三十而已》里有一句经典的台词：“一个不知道拒绝的人，你所有的接受都是廉价的。”

在你不知道怎么拒绝别人的时候，不如直接来一个“婉拒了哈”。你学废了吗？

借（cèng）此（gè）机（rè）会（diǎn），我们来学一学说“不”的艺术，怎么拒绝别人。

懂得拒绝，才能活得不纠结。

无注释原文：

How To Say 'No' To Anyone

Forbes

Jun 29, 2019

At the Apple World Wide Developer’s Conference in 1997 Steve Jobs famously said, “Focusing is about saying no.” According to research, most people are wired to say yes. We want to please our bosses and to make our friends and family happy, but saying no can feel confrontational, so we often say "yes," at the expense of our performance and our health. Saying, "no" helps bring our professional goals into focus, and helps lower stress levels and improve mental health. If you say "yes" and overtax yourself, your work and relationships will suffer, and no one will benefit from all of your hard work. It is a difficult and counterintuitive skill, but an imperative skill. Here is how you say “no” to anyone:

◐ Draw Clear Boundaries

You need to draw clear boundaries in professional and personal relationships, and that often requires saying "no." You need to be able to say "no" to your boss, and you need to be able to say “no” to friends and family, which is especially difficult. If you are overworked, and your performance is suffering as a result, and your boss comes to you with a new project, you need to honestly communicate that you have too much on your plate, and the project will suffer. If you had a long, hard week at work and your friends and family want to see you but you desperately need to sleep, you need to be able to tell your family you can see them another weekend. It feels counterintuitive, but it is in the best interest of those around you if you know when to draw boundaries, they will respect you more and you will be a better professional, partner, child, sibling and friend if you say “no,” sometimes and take care of yourself.

◐ Say “I Don’t” Not “I Can’t”

A study by Vanessa Patrick, an associate professor of marketing at the C.T. Bauer College at the University of Houston, and Henrik Hagtvedt, a professor of consumer behavior at the Carroll School of Management at Boston College found that the language we use for our choices impacts how responses are received. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research by Professor Patrick and Professor Hagtvedt found saying, “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” when telling someone “no” freed participants from demands. “I can’t” connotes a feebleness and uncertainty, like your explanation is on shaky ground. “I don’t” implies a conviction, you’ve set boundaries for yourself and you honor them—it exudes stability.

◐ Provide A Brief Explanation

If it is a colleague, friend or family member, you owe them an explanation for why you’re saying “no.” Do not get defensive or emotional, or go on at length, but give them an honest, valid excuse: you have to work, you have a previous commitment, there is a family emergency, you’re completely exhausted, etc. If you provide an explanation that they will understand, they will respect your answer and the relationship won't suffer. If you do not provide an explanation, they may feel like you do not care, which will harm the relationship.

◐ Offer An Alternative

If a colleague is asking for help on a project and you are too swamped to assist them, offering helpful suggestions or directing them alternative resources such as books and links that may help them resolve issues or complete an assignment more efficiently is a thoughtful gesture. Offering alternative forms of assistance sends the message that you want to help them, but you simply do not have the time to help them well.

- ◆ -

注：中文文本为机器翻译仅供参考，并非一一对应

含注释全文：

How To Say 'No' To Anyone

Forbes

Jun 29, 2019

At the Apple World Wide Developer’s Conference in 1997 Steve Jobs famously said, “Focusing is about saying no.” According to research, most people are wired to say yes. We want to please our bosses and to make our friends and family happy, but saying no can feel confrontational, so we often say "yes," at the expense of our performance and our health. Saying, "no" helps bring our professional goals into focus, and helps lower stress levels and improve mental health. If you say "yes" and overtax yourself, your work and relationships will suffer, and no one will benefit from all of your hard work. It is a difficult and counterintuitive skill, but an imperative skill. Here is how you say “no” to anyone:

在1997年的苹果全球开发者大会上，史蒂夫·乔布斯（Steve Jobs）说过一句名言：“专注就是说不。”根据研究，大多数人都倾向于说“Yes”。我们想取悦老板，让朋友和家人高兴，但说“不”会让人感到对立，所以我们经常说“Yes”，但却以牺牲自己的业绩和健康为代价。说“不”有助于专注我们的职业目标，并有助于降低压力水平和改善心理健康。如果你说“Yes”然后让自己过度劳累，你的工作和关系将受到影响，没有人会从你所有的努力工作中受益。这是一项困难且反直觉的技能，但却是必备的。下面是如何对任何人说“不”的方法：

表示“与生俱来，生来……；天生，自然就会”，英文解释为“used to say that someone does or does not have a natural tendency to behave in a certain way, to like something, etc.”

📍2017年考研英语（二）阅读真题中有这么一句话：Infants are wired to look at parents’ faces to try to understand their world, and if those faces are blank and unresponsive—as they often are when absorbed in a device—it can be extremely disconcerting for the children. 婴儿天生会靠观察父母的面孔来理解世界，如果父母面无表情、毫无反应——当他们沉浸于电子设备时经常会这样——这会让孩子们感到非常不安。

类似的：

📍hard-wired表示“天生的，固有的；（能力、方法、活动类型等）基本固定的”，英文解释为“If an ability, approach, or type of activity is hardwired into the brain, it is a basic one and cannot be changed.”举个🌰：

Others think that the rules for what is "musical" are hardwired in our brains to some degree.

其他人认为，我们的大脑对什么东西是“悦耳的”在某种程度上有其内在的标准。

📍he和be到底是什么意思？文中提到：This shows that the attraction to the final moments of an experience is hard wired in our brains, said the study, which was published in the Journal Of Neuroscience. 这项研究发表在《神经科学杂志》上，它表明，对经验的最后时刻的吸引在我们的大脑中是天生固有的。

表示“对抗的；对抗性的；挑起冲突的”，英文解释为“If you describe the way that someone behaves as confrontational, you are showing your disapproval of the fact that they are aggressive and likely to cause an argument or dispute.”

表示“以...为代价；在...受损的情况下”，英文解释为“If you do one thing at the expense of another, doing the first thing harms the second thing.”举个🌰：

He had no need to protect their reputation at the expense of his own.

他没有必要为了保护他们的名誉而牺牲自己的。

1）表示“使负担过重，使超负荷工作；对…要求过高”，英文解释为“to cause to feel tired or confused as a result of doing too much or doing something too difficult”举个🌰：

You've been ill, and don't overtax yourself.

你生病了，别劳累过度。

2）表示“对…征税过重，对…课税过多”，英文解释为“to demand too much tax from someone or to put too much tax on goods”举个🌰：

Food should not be overtaxed.

对食品不应该课税过重。

表示“（想法、提议等）违反常理的，反直觉的”，英文解释为“(of an idea, proposal, etc) seemingly contrary to common sense”；

📍intuitive本身表示“（出于）直觉的”（an intuitive idea is based on a feeling rather than on knowledge or facts），而前缀counter-表示“（用于构词）表示相反或相对”（Counter- is used to form words which refer to actions or activities that are intended to prevent other actions or activities or that respond to them.）如：counter-terrorism 反恐，counter-example 反面例子，counterproductive 产生相反效果的，适得其反的。

近义词对比：

📍instinctive表示“本能的；天性的；直觉的”（based on instinct and not involving thought）

1）作形容词，表示“至关重要的；紧急的；迫切的”，英文解释为“If it is imperative that something be done, that thing is extremely important and must be done.”，举个🌰：

It was imperative that he act as naturally as possible.

至关重要的是他要尽可能地自然行事。

2）作名词，表示“重要紧急的事；必要的事”，英文解释为“a thing that is very important and needs immediate attention or action”。

◐ Draw Clear Boundaries 划清界限

You need to draw clear boundaries in professional and personal relationships, and that often requires saying "no." You need to be able to say "no" to your boss, and you need to be able to say “no” to friends and family, which is especially difficult. If you are overworked, and your performance is suffering as a result, and your boss comes to you with a new project, you need to honestly communicate that you have too much on your plate, and the project will suffer. If you had a long, hard week at work and your friends and family want to see you but you desperately need to sleep, you need to be able to tell your family you can see them another weekend. It feels counterintuitive, but it is in the best interest of those around you if you know when to draw boundaries, they will respect you more and you will be a better professional, partner, child, sibling and friend if you say “no,” sometimes and take care of yourself.

你需要在职业和个人关系中划出明确的界限，而这往往需要说“不”。你需要能够对你的老板说“不”，你也需要能够对朋友和家人说“不”，这一点尤其困难。如果你工作过度，你的业绩因此受到影响，而你的老板带着一个新项目来找你，你需要诚实地告诉他，你的任务太多，这个项目会受到影响。如果你在工作中度过了漫长而艰难的一周，你的朋友和家人想要见你，但你迫切需要睡觉，你需要能够告诉你的家人你要再找个周末才能见他们。这感觉有悖常理，但如果你知道何时划清界限，这对你周围的人是最有利的，他们会更加尊重你，如果有时说“不”并照顾好自己，你会成为一个更好的专业人士、合作伙伴、孩子、兄弟姐妹和朋友。

表示“分界线；边界”，英文解释为“a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something；the limit of a subject or principle”举个🌰：

Electronic publishing is blurring the boundaries between dictionaries and encyclopedias.

电子出版使得词典与百科全书的界限变得模糊。

表示“有（很多工作）要做”，英文解释为“to have something, usually a large amount of important work, to deal with”举个🌰：

I have got a lot on my plate - especially with two new projects starting these days.

我有很多工作要做——特别是最近又开始了两个新项目。

◐ Say “I Don't” Not “I Can't” 说“I Don't”而不是“I Can't”

A study by Vanessa Patrick, an associate professor of marketing at the C.T. Bauer College at the University of Houston, and Henrik Hagtvedt, a professor of consumer behavior at the Carroll School of Management at Boston College found that the language we use for our choices impacts how responses are received. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research by Professor Patrick and Professor Hagtvedt found saying, “I don't” instead of “I can't” when telling someone “no” freed participants from demands. “I can't” connotes a feebleness and uncertainty, like your explanation is on shaky ground. “I don't” implies a conviction, you've set boundaries for yourself and you honor them—it exudes stability.

休斯顿大学鲍尔商学院的市场营销副教授瓦妮莎·帕特里克（Vanessa Patrick）和波士顿学院卡罗尔管理学院的消费者行为教授亨利克·哈格特维德（Henrik Hagtvedt）的研究发现，我们在选择时使用的语言会影响人们对我们的反应。帕特里克教授和哈格特维德教授在《消费者研究杂志》（the Journal of Consumer Research）上的一项研究发现，在告诉别人“不”的时候，说“I don't”而不是“I can't”可以使参与者摆脱要求。“I can't”意味着一种无效感和不确定性，就像你的解释是站不住脚的。“I don't”意味着一种信念，你已经为自己设定了界限，并且你尊重它们--展示出稳定性。

con·note /kəˈnəʊt/ 表示“意味；暗示；隐含”，英文解释为“to suggest a feeling, an idea, etc. as well as the main meaning”举个🌰：

The term "LearnAndRecord" often connotes a sense of ______.

“LearnAndRecord”这个词常常给人一种______的感觉。（小作业）

形容词性 feeble /ˈfiː.bəl/ 1）表示“无效的；不佳的”，英文解释为“not effective or good”如：a feeble joke/excuse 干巴巴的笑话/站不住脚的借口。

2）表示“虚弱的；衰弱的，无力的”，英文解释为“weak and without energy, strength, or power”举个🌰：

He was a feeble, helpless old man.

他是一个虚弱无助的老人。

shaky /ˈʃeɪkɪ/ 1）表示“摇晃的，发抖的，颤抖的”，英文解释为“moving with quick, short movements from side to side, not in a controlled way”举个🌰：

The child wrote her name in large shaky letters.

那个孩子用歪歪扭扭的大字写下了她自己的名字。

2）表示“心烦的，苦恼的”，等同于upset，举个🌰：

The news left me feeling a little shaky.

这条消息使我有些心烦。

3）表示“不稳定的；不坚固的；不结实的”，英文解释为“not firm or strong”举个🌰：

Their marriage looks pretty shaky to me.

在我看来，他们的婚姻关系岌岌可危。

1）表示“坚定的看法；坚定的信念；坚定的信仰”，英文解释为“a strong opinion or belief”如：a deep/strong/lifelong conviction 深深的/坚定的/终生的信仰。

2）表示“定罪，判罪”，英文解释为“the fact of officially being found to be guilty of a particular crime, or the act of officially finding someone guilty”举个🌰：

Since it was her first conviction for stealing, she was given a less severe sentence.

由于她是初次犯盗窃罪，对她的量刑不是很重。

🎬电影《玉子》（Okja）中的台词提到：I admire your conviction, Silver, 我敬佩你的决心。

exude /ɪɡˈzjuːd/ 1）表示“明显地流露，充分显露（爱、自信、痛苦等）”，英文解释为“If you exude love, confidence, pain, etc., you show that you have a lot of that feeling.”举个🌰：

She just exudes confidence.

她显得信心十足。

2）表示“散发；渗出，流出”，英文解释为“to produce a smell or liquid substance from inside”举个🌰：

Some trees exude from their bark a sap that repels insect parasites.

一些树的树皮会分泌出一种汁液来驱除寄生在树上的昆虫。

区分：

📍exclude /ɪkˈskluːd/ 1）表示“排除…；不考虑…；认为…不可能”，英文解释为“to decide that something is not true or possible”举个🌰：

We can't exclude the possibility that he is dead.

我们不能排除他已经死亡的可能性。

2）表示“阻止…进入；把…排斥在外”，英文解释为“to prevent someone or something from entering a place or taking part in an activity”举个🌰：

Microbes must, as far as possible, be excluded from the room during an operation.

在手术过程中，要尽可能防止细菌进入手术室。

🎬电影《简·爱》（Jane Eyre）中的台词提到：Children, I exhort you to shun her, exclude her, shut her out from this day forth. 孩子们，奉劝你们离她远点，排斥她，从今天起与她隔绝。

◐ Provide A Brief Explanation 提供一个简短的解释

If it is a colleague, friend or family member, you owe them an explanation for why you’re saying “no.” Do not get defensive or emotional, or go on at length, but give them an honest, valid excuse: you have to work, you have a previous commitment, there is a family emergency, you’re completely exhausted, etc. If you provide an explanation that they will understand, they will respect your answer and the relationship won't suffer. If you do not provide an explanation, they may feel like you do not care, which will harm the relationship.

如果是同事、朋友或家人，你应该给他们一个解释，说明你为什么说“不”。不要辩解或情绪化，也不要长篇大论，而是给他们一个诚实的、有效的理由：你必须工作、有约在先、家有急事，太太太累了，等等。如果你提供一个他们能理解的解释，他们就会尊重你的回答，关系就不会受到影响。如果你不提供解释，他们可能会觉得你不在乎，这将损害双方的关系。

表示“长久地，长时间地”，英文解释为“for a long time”举个🌰：

He went on at great length about his various illnesses.

他滔滔不绝地讲起他身患的各种疾病。

exhausted /ɪɡˈzɔː.stɪd/ 表示“极其疲惫的；精疲力竭的”，英文解释为“extremely tired”举个🌰：

Exhausted, they fell asleep.

他们精疲力尽，倒头就睡。

◐ Offer An Alternative 提供一个替代方案

If a colleague is asking for help on a project and you are too swamped to assist them, offering helpful suggestions or directing them alternative resources such as books and links that may help them resolve issues or complete an assignment more efficiently is a thoughtful gesture. Offering alternative forms of assistance sends the message that you want to help them, but you simply do not have the time to help them well.

如果同事在一项目上寻求帮助，而你又忙得不可开交，那么提供有用的建议或引导他们使用其他资源，如书籍和链接，以帮助他们解决问题或更有效地完成任务，是一种贴心之举。提供其他形式的帮助传达了这样的信息：你想帮助他们，但你根本没有时间来帮助他们。

swamp /swɒmp/ 本义是淹没，浸没（to cover a place or thing with a large amount of water），还可以表示“充斥，席卷，使应接不暇”，英文解释为“If something swamps a person, system, or place, more of it arrives than can be easily dealt with.”举个🌰：

He is swamped with work.

他工作正忙得不可开交。

Don't let feelings of depression swamp you.

不要被沮丧的情绪击垮。

📍be swamped by/with 表示“使陷入（大量工作）；使面临（大量问题）”（to suddenly give someone a lot of work, problems etc to deal with）举个🌰：

We've been swamped with phone calls since the advert appeared.

自从广告出来后，电话多得使我们应接不暇。

alternative本身可以作名词也可以作形容词，表示“可替代的，供选择的（事物）”英文解释为“An alternative plan or method is one that you can use if you do not want to use another one.”举个🌰：

The opposition parties have so far failed to set out an alternative strategy.

反对党到目前为止还没有提出其他的策略。

1）表示“考虑周到的；计划周密的”，英文解释为“carefully considering things”举个🌰：

He has a thoughtful approach to his work.

他工作很细心周到。

2）表示“沉思的”，英文解释为“quiet because you are thinking about something”举个🌰：

You look thoughtful.

你看起来心里有事。

3）表示“体贴的，关心的”，英文解释为“kind and always thinking about how you can help other people”举个🌰：

Thank you for calling when I was ill - it was very thoughtful of you.

我生病时谢谢你打电话来问候——你真是体贴人。

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